I do the work I do because I believe that I can create something beautiful. I believe that happiness is the one true thing everyone should strive for and I believe that my work makes others happy, because it certainly makes me happy. I make goals for my work and a tentative plan, but at the end of the day the work guides me along the way. I cannot predict beforehand how it will turn out. I love working with pictures because I believe they can capture a single moment more efficiently and beautifully than any other method. My work turns out the best when I dig as deep as I can to find the most important message that I want to display.
Honestly, I make my decisions on the fly when it comes to my work. Like I said, I try and create a plan in advance but my best work happens when I let it come to me in the moment. I tend to incorporate others into my art because they help me with ideas and I think my work is even more beautiful when my friends are a part of it. I tend to compose art based off of things that really get me emotional. Music, relationships, and fashion are my biggest passions. My technique is to snap away with the camera and have many pictures of the image I’m trying to capture. Once I’ve done that I choose the picture I want to use and put effects into it if necessary.
In my current work I am portraying my inability to commit to a relationship because of my parents divorce. Their divorce has been taking place for almost a year now and it has had a major impact on my life. While doing this work I am challenging myself to successfully portray my emotions through images. It is difficult because my emotions change on such a regular basis. I really want to think long and hard about how I feel and then show it in a photo essay. This is the first time I am exploring my emotions from my parents divorce affecting my own relationship.
Pre- Production
Through this photo essay I originally hoped to achieve a feeling of nostalgia from the way my family used to be. I wanted to convey this feeling of sadness and longing for a past time. On top of this, I wanted to show people that there is hope for the future. I wanted to prove that families change and regardless you remain a family and must love and support each other.
I came up with the concept randomly one day when I was watching a movie montage commercial I used to watch when I was a kid. The movie montage was a preview for some of the MGM films I used to watch when I was a kid. For some reason my emotions were triggered when seeing this preview for the first time since being a little boy. The music brought back such distinct memories reminding me of my childhood and my house with my family. Once seeing this again I immediately wanted to do a video montage of my family, past and present. Over time though I realized that a photo essay would be even more effective. As written in my artist statement, I really believe that photos capture moments better than any other tool. For this reason I decided to create my own montage through a photo essay.
I had many difficulties preparing for the photo essay because I chose a challenging topic. Since I chose a photo essay that would involve my parents whom I am not around anymore it became increasingly difficult to figure out a way to incorporate present feelings with them. I did not have the luxury of being able to take pictures with them to show my current family relationship. I decided to draw a story board to give myself more guidance and structure. Unfortunately, even a story board could not help me get past some of my problems. In the next section I will talk about how I dealt with these problems and improvised to create a new and similar message.
Production
Once I really started to sit down and write my story board I knew it was going to be very difficult to get seven pictures portraying my parents divorce with so little resources. I could not ask my father for photos because it would be too hard on him and my mother only had two that were relevant. I realized that my options were limited for this theme. I decided to change my theme slightly and relate it more to my personal romance which has suffered from this divorce. Since the divorce, I have had trouble committing to a serious relationship that I have been leading into. I feel so strongly about my current relationship and it evokes even more emotion out of me than the divorce.
I decided to change the theme from my parents divorce to commitment issues in general. This was something my parents divorce and my personal life had to do with. I could now express myself even further and had the means to produce a full story board. The two pictures I had originally still were worked into my project, they just now served a different purpose. Certain settings I used for my pictures did not end up working. I tried taking pictures against a window at one point and decided against it. I wanted everything taken at night so a window was not the best idea.
The production took about two hours. I first had to play the MGM preview to put myself in the mood and marinade deep in my emotions. I also had to get my girlfriend in the right state of mind to participate in this production. Although the concept was tough on her, I wanted her to feel as comfortable as possible. Once I felt comfortable in the right state of mind to start production I mapped out the specific spots where I wanted to take the pictures. Once I decided on the specific shot settings we then started production. Shooting took a little over an hour considering I felt the need to take multiple shots for each image. Throughout shooting we had to adjust angles, lighting, and depth of field.
The production occurred at Maddy Bortners house near by campus. Since I decided to personalize this photo essay I used my actual girlfriend, Maddy Bortner, for the photos. I picked this setting because I trust her and there was a lot of options in terms of space to shoot. I also liked the fact that she lived on a quiet road which could be used as the background for one of my pictures. Like I said I chose night time to enhance the darkness and depression of most of the photo essay. Her housemate took the photos of us. We have been struggling through my family issues which eventually became our issues for some time. Although this was difficult for us emotionally we felt closer after production was over.
For this photo essay I used a 12 mega pixel Fujifilm. Unfortunately I do not own my own camera so I had to borrow from a friend. My original objective was to show nostalgia and prove that there is a reason to believe in hope. Once production started my objective had changed into portraying commitment issues. I accurately executed this objective because I used my parents divorce and tied it in with images depicting the challenges I had in my relationship.
Post-Production
My problems varied from not having enough photos to depict my original issue, to then feeling that the replacement photos I took were not effective enough. Obviously when I did not have enough photos to do my original concept I switched it to something a little more feasible and even more personal. When it came to making sure the photos were effective enough I was initially worried. I did not want to alter them too much, but once I started I realized the power it had on the mood and message of the photo. The altering I did really told the story better than my captions.
Overall I learned that you cannot make something out of nothing. In order to create something beautiful you need the correct resources. This was something I did not have originally and it ended up working out for the better. My biggest success came in the altering. Using focus on my picture with fire and on peoples faces in other pictures was key in telling the story. I did not feel much disappointment throughout this project. I was so satisfied with everything I made. It was disappointing when having to really dig deep into my emotions for inspiration on such a sad topic. Despite that I felt better after and am glad I focused on this. Thankfully because I decided to spend so much time on altering (even if it was ever so slightly) I was able to visually convey what I wanted to.
Next time I would give myself a lot more time on a project like this. Even though we had a long time to do our final, I would like to do a similar project but take even longer. I would gather up as many resources as I could and spend a couple of months editing and finding the best quality photos for my project. My overall view is great because I do not consider myself to be someone who is very creative. I would definitely do it again and not change a thing. Seeing a final copy of art that you produced is a rush that I would love to get used to. For me this is a great accomplishment and next time I hope to do something musically inspired.
My family felt so real when I was a child. We all loved each other so much. I never realized the hopelessness of my fathers smile as his wife could never be close to him.
Now that my family has changed I feel anger and sadness. The picture is not worthless, but it is hopeless.
I was so happy as a little boy. I trusted my mother so much. As you get older you realize life will never be that innocent again.
Now in my own world. My own relationship suffers. I don’t want to feel vulnerable. I know I cannot love until I am ready to give myself up. I’m so unsure.
I try to pretend… but she knows.
I love her so much and I’m so close sometimes…
What does this even symbolize anymore? Does it mean anything? Is it only something to build us up and then break us down and change everything forever? This one symbol shattering has affected me and the people I love so much. One day I will move on. We all move on.
Darius Hedayati, VL Spring 2012
“ A Home Broken But Not Hopeless ”
A Photo Essay
Concept/Theme
For my final project I decided to create a photo essay based around my parents divorce. I want to use different shades of light and angles to portray my feelings of sadness and hope for my family to stay together.
Purpose/Intent
I decided to choose this idea because I recently have been struck with feelings of nostalgia about my family. I recently watched a movie montage that I remember seeing when I was a very young child. This movie montage brought me back to a time when I was safe, and when there was nothing to worry about. Upon seeing this montage I thought up the idea of creating a montage of my childhood. Over time this idea transformed from an idea of a childhood montage to a photo essay showing photos of me reflecting on broken relationships coming from my parents divorce. What I hope to achieve by completing this photo essay is to show people the value of family. I want them to not feel bad for me, but be grateful for what some of them have and to understand my pain.
Production Plan
To create my photo essay I believe that I cannot limit myself to one specific plan of action. I have certain photos such as pictures of my mom and I when I was a child, and pictures of my whole family that I will use, but I am not sure in which way or order I will exactly use it. I plan on having my more sad pictures to be in darker shades of light and setting, while my more hopeful photos will be in more positive color. I want to take 6-8 pictures that adequately portray my emotions about my situation. Ideally I would like to take new pictures with my parents and use them for my photo essay. Unfortunately with the time constraints this will not be possible. Before I take my photos I want to play some music that reminds me of my childhood to set the mood for myself and get emotionally in the right state of mind. The person who will be taking the photos of me is yet to be determined, but clearly needs to be someone who I am very close with and knows me on an emotional level.
After taking the photos I will edit them appropriately to serve the purpose of sadness and hope. I do not plan on editing them too heavily because I believe the more natural the pictures are the bigger the effect it will have. Like I said before I will mostly be manipulating the colors and shades of light. Some photos might be in black and white depending on what emotion I am trying to portray. The enhancement on these things will hopefully heighten the mood and portray it even more clearly.
I plan on having all elements and principles of design present to make my photos more exquisite. Pattern, repetition, and flow are all very important principles that a photo essay will need to be successful in its attempt at telling a story. To achieve these principles I plan on incorporating color, line, shape and the rest of the elements of design.
Inspiration
To be completely honest, some of the photo essays I saw in class influenced my idea. I originally wanted to make a movie montage on nostalgia, but after looking through photo essays of fellow classmates from earlier in the semester, I thought it could be just as powerful if not more. I do not plan on emulating one in particular style considering I believe that originality is the key to brilliant art. I still do not know exactly how my photos will come out so I cannot say that I am emulating a particular style.
My inspiration for doing this in the first place is my suppressed grief of my parents divorce. I am the oldest sibling and during this tough time had to be the strong one in the family. I take care of my younger sister, mother, and father because I feel like I have it the easiest in the situation. Sometimes this role might suppress my emotions and force me to hold them in. I think this photo essay will be a way for me to get my feelings out on the table. I have been looking for a way to vent without talking to people all the time and I think this might be an effective way. Furthermore my inspiration is to be able to make something artistic and valuable out of a sad situation.
Expected Outcome
I hope to reach all people through this work. Obviously children may not be an appropriate group to be exposed to such sadness but, if mature enough I think it would be valuable for them to see the work so they can appreciate what they have. I also hope to really reach people who have gone through the same thing as me. I want them to feel like they can relate and for them to feel the hope that I feel. Although sadness might be an uncontrollable feeling when seeing this, the overall message I want to end with is that, life goes on. If the worst thing that ever happens to you is having your parents split up, you probably will have a pretty good life. There is still hope for a family even if it is different than what it was.
When I visited the American Art Museum I explored the “Art of the Moving Image” section. I saw multiple videos in the section, but could not understand what many of them were trying to portray. One video that I decided to study a little more in depth was called “The Swamp.” This was a seminal film collaboration done by Nancy Holt and Robert Smithson.
Before I watched the film I really had no idea what was going on. All that is scene on the big screen in the museum is a camera dodging through what seems to be a forest of tall grass or bamboo. There is some audio but unfortunately it can’t be heard in the museum because of other things being played in the background. The video starts with the camera walking up a field towards the section of tall grass and sticks. Once the camera has entered the crowded grass land it spins and dodges for a few minutes almost looking like it is getting nowhere. Finally the camera makes it out of the forest and back where there is space. I was kind of confused as to what the overall point of the video was and did not really find it entertaining at first.
After reading the explanation I had a much better understanding of what this film entailed. This film was shot on a sixteen- millimeter film and followed the movement and point of view of the artist and camera through space. The camera became an the main translator of their trek through the terrain and struggle to record their perceptions. Although I could not hear this at the time, the artists are commentating on their movements throughout the whole video while the camera is showing it. After watching the second time and reading the explanation things made more sense, but still not much. I understood the point of the video, but not really the brilliance of it.
It was not until I put myself in the time period when this was made that I fully understood the brilliance of this video. This video was made over 40 years ago. There was no such thing as changing contrast, vision, or other specific visual details like you can today. This really did not occur to me when I first watched this. The movement and portrayal of lines with the reeds is something people probably were baffled by. For the time period something being shot form this point of view was also probably very new. The commentary also gave it a creepy vibe in my opinion. I think that because of how far technology has come, it’s hard for me to truly appreciate the brilliance of this film, but by putting myself in that time period, I can almost get it. I also decided to watch it on Youtube when I got back from the museum so I could hear the audio. This also gave me a better appreciation for film considering I could now hear the male voice guiding the camera through the terrain. Without this male voice guiding the camera I feel like I lost out on some initial knowledge when seeing the film in the museum. Like I said before this also gave me a somewhat creepy vibe when watching the video. Overall I feel that I can appreciate this video a lot considering how far we’ve come since 40 years ago.
For my Lumiere film project I was very surprised by what my actual outcome was compared to what I had planned on doing. Originally Madeline and I planned on filming people walking on the main quad from a low angle. We were going to show peoples feet in a crowded area. We believed this would create a sense of reality, something Lumiere films are supposed to do. We ended up filming two people playing soccer on the main quad. The reason for this change in film was because once we got to the main quad this soccer volleying seemed like a better idea. I feel like with most Lumiere films people have great ideas for what they want and then once they actually enter the field everything changes.
Overall I was pretty happy with what we got. Although the people playing soccer realized over time that we were filming them, they still were caught in a natural environment doing something they enjoyed. They were free to move, kick, and juggle in any and every direction they wanted. I was especially happy with the ending of the film. One of the players decided to have some fun with us after a while and kick the ball at the bench we were filming at. Luckily he did this just as we were approaching one minute of film time. The reason our film is five seconds short is because he kicked the ball hard at the bench and I knew that was a perfect ending to the video.
In hindsight I wouldn’t have done much of anything different. I maybe would have moved my camera back farther to get both players in the lens at all times. Although it would have been good to have both of them in the lens at all times, some people said they liked the fact that the ball would come out of view at times. I really am not sure which way I would have liked more, but either way would have been fine. The audience reacted the way I thought they would. They were nice but at the same time critical of the ball moving out of the lens at times. I expected this because some people might see this as a flaw of the video. It was a bit nerve racking exposing the film to the class, but they gave good feedback as usual.
Manzanita’s Lumiere film I thought embodied the true Lumiere spirit because it portrayed a real life moment that everyone goes through. I think the idea of a stop light for a Lumiere Film is a great one because it has multiple changes and climaxes without anything ridiculous having to happen. A stoplight is something that someone deals with on a daily basis so therefore this Lumiere film captures reality impeccably. I also like that she rotated the camera to take the shot from a different view. This makes the film a lot more interesting. The mood of the film was kind of gloomy, but in a standard boring everyday life scene kind of way. This mood was achieved by the obvious lack of audio and gloomy weather. Although I like the film a lot I wish there was even more of a climax involved. I feel like in these films for them to be great there needs to be some sort of obvious climax that really “wows” the audience. Although the stoplight had multiple climaxes I feel that it lacked one major “wow.”
dariushedayati 